Greetings Pizza Professionals,
It has come to our attention that many of you at the company are not up to speed on the new and revolutionary ideas coming out of the ovens over at the PDL (Pizza Design Labs). We would like to take a minute to share some updates in hopes of inspiring each and every one of you to think beyond the crust and submit new, sensational, and yes, even audacious, ideas to our Pie-oneers in the labs.
We here at “The Hut” pride ourselves on being at the forefront of Pizza innovation, pushing the piping-hot boundaries of satisfaction. Now, our competitors might remain complacent dishing out the same old tired Italian disappointments but Not PH!
Allow us a moment to point out some of the milestones we have passed on our journey towards Pizza Perfection.
Our best selling “Pan” Pizza (so named for fact that early testers of this culinary revelation requested the use of aluminum bed pans during their taste tests, their bodies literally overflowing with Hutty deliciousness) is still our flagship product, but ever unsatisfied with the status-quo, we continued to develop alternative crust lifestyles and thus, the Hand Tossed and Thin n’ Crispy pizzas were introduced the world. Since then we’ve never looked back…
At Pizza Hut we have always attempted to make the most of the pizza real estate (or “Crustscape” as we call it in the savory pie biz) a canvas upon which our consumers have come to expect the unexpected. Where other, myopic, pizza manufacturers saw failure in discarded crusts, we saw opportunity. We put our greatest minds on the job and found a way to jam a mozzarella-like cheese product into the crust and voila, Stuffed Crust Pizza. We single handedly changed the game by transforming the undesirable crust into a doughy cheese tube of wonder! After Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump endorsed the product, America ate it up! It’s still one of our best sellers today.
When customers clamored for more toppings we gave them The Edge Pizza. Goodbye crust; hello cheese, sauce, and toppings that go right up to the precipice of dough and sanity. The original catchphrase, “I am become Pizza, destroyer of hunger” (later pulled from circulation due to “insensitivity issues”), pretty much sums it up.
Then calzone lovers around the world united and sent up the resounding cry “What about us?!”, they shouted at the foot of our corporate headquarters, fist raised and bellies grumbling. Little did they know that inside, on an undisclosed floor, we were putting the finishing touches on the P’zone (codename Pizza Calzone Pizza): In the end, the world enjoyed over one pound of meat and cheese in a pizza crust. You’re welcome calzone nation!
Other notable products include the ingenious Dippin’ Strips Pizza, ergonomically cut and shaped to be dunked or drenched in any one of our liquid bliss dippin’ sauces. We knew we were on to something when one pizza technician witnessed several customers attempting to jam their triangular pizza wedges into the tiny neck of a Ranch Dressing bottle. Another problem solved.
And who could forget the mind blowing Goliath of dough, dairy, veggies, and cured meats known as The Bigfoot Pizza. To this day our pizza engineers marvel in awe at their own accomplishment. When the first Bigfoot Pizza was completed the head chef exclaimed “Look on this pie ye mighty, and despair!”
So what does the future hold for all the insatiable Hut Heads out there? Well, let’s just say the recent release of our Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza is just the tip of the iceberg. At this very moment we are queuing up to release of a number of tastebud bending creations in the future including:
The Power Hour Pizza: This is sure to be a frat favorite. Sixty personal pan pizzas delivered on a rotating spit. The goal is to consume one pizza every minute for an hour.
The P’ception: A Pizza stuffed inside another pizza which can only be purchased while under heavy sedation though our new Dream Accessible App.
The Globe Pizza: A ball of dough, dunked in marinara sauce, then covered in cheese and deep fried. Served in a bowling ball bag with your choice of stick-on toppings.
The IVP (Intravenous Pizza): Your favorite Pizza Hut Pizza liquified in a Vita-Mix and delivered in a drip IV bag. Great for gamers or the comatose.
Double Deep Deep Dish Pizza: Our famous dough is shaped into a 5 gallon bucket, flash fried, and then filled with alternating layers sauce, cheese, and toppings. 2 for 1 special served on a shoulder yoke with breadstick ladle.
The Exotica: 100 bite sized pizzas served on the nude body of our delivery person (male or female not specified) Chop sticks included.
The Guy Fieri Get-Down-To-Flavortown-Italiano-Explosion: A double wide pizza with a cake frosted crust, topped with Italian sausage hand-massaged by Guy Fieri himself. Comes with free Oakleys and a bowling shirt bib.
The Pizza Pocket Pocket Pizza: A pocket sized pizza pocket that houses your keys, wallet and cell phone, also can be eaten.
The Breadstick Mattress Pizza: A pillow soft mattress sized serving of breadsticks you can eat and pass out on. Comes with a side of spicy marinara sauce to really heat things up in the bedroom.
The Russian Roulette Pizza: One special slice is laced with e.coli, fun for parties.
The Minimalist Pizza: a bag of flour, a tomato, and a block of cheese arranged on a stark white plate. Limited MOMA edition available in the spring.
PepsiCo Universe Pizza: Includes toppings from all of Frito-Lay properties, like Taco Bell, FKC, Fritos, Cheetos, and a gallon of Pepsi poured on top.
And many many more to come…
So thank you all for your tremendous service and hard work over the years and we look forward to receiving your new pizza creation ideas!